


Hide & Seek

by jeondoyeom



Category: JBJ (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Hospital, M/M, fictional age, focuses on yongguk, i hope there's fluff, rest of jbj are minor characters, yongguk wakes up with memory loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-02-11 18:49:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12941484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeondoyeom/pseuds/jeondoyeom
Summary: In which Yongguk wakes up, unable to remember that he was involved in a game of hide and seek with someone he cannot remember.





	1. one.

_"Good night..."_

As he slowly opened his eyes, he wondered where he was. He couldn't move himself, and all he can see was the fluorescent lamp on the ceiling, slightly hurting his eyes by its brightness.

He shifted his gaze to his surroundings, even if doing so was evidently painful.

He tried lifting his fingers, but he realized someone was loosely holding his left hand. It was then that he heard someone's heavy breathing from his left side, as if someone was sleeping. There, he spotted a man who has soft bunny-like features. It was his roommate, Shihyun. He must've worried about him, a lot.

"Shihyun-ah." He murmured, softly but enough for Shihyun to flicker his eyes open and realize that his hyung is already awake. He shot his hyung a concerned look, as he sat upright on his chair.

"Hyung! You're finally aw..." Shihyun started rattling off, as if he was his mother, scolding him for going home late. "Yongguk hyung! Are you even listening to me?" He nagged even more when he felt that his words just go and leave through the elder's ears.

"I'm not." Yongguk said, which made Shihyun give up, and just went out to somewhere Yongguk doesn't know. He just closed his eyes, in the meantime. He was fine yet, tired. He was fine yet, lost. He was fine yet, incomplete.

_What is it that I can't remember?_

It felt like a dream, but too realistic. It felt like reality, but felt like a fantasy, too.

His thoughts stirred up, as he slipped into dreamland. His eyes and breathing felt heavier.

He heard a voice. A voice he cannot distinguish but felt familiar.

A soft, shaking voice. A voice afraid of something Yongguk cannot remember. A voice his heart aches for.

_"Good night..." The lonely voice said._

No matter how hard he racked his thoughts up, he still cannot remember.

The sound of the door, from which a man in a white coat, along with Shihyun entered from, interrupted his silence. Yongguk slowly opened his eyes, again.

 _Ah..._  He muttered in his mind, as he spotted the man in the white coat, realizing where he was. Hospital.

The doctor checked up on him, asked a few questions about how he felt, and deemed Yongguk was quite fine, but still needs recovery time.

Not long after, Shihyun was gone, too, and there came a group of five men who brought loudness into Yongguk's silent room.

"Hyung! Do you still know who I am?" One of the five, whose hair was styled into a comma hair style, dramatically asked Yongguk, as the rest of them settle on the couch next to Yongguk's bed.

Yongguk stared at him in disbelief, while the others laughed.

"I don't. Who are you?" Yongguk answered, calmly, to which the comma hair guy reacted as if he was shot on the chest.

"I'm the most loving, most attractive, and the kindest friend you have, hyung! I feel betrayed." He sulked.

"Stop it, Donghan. You're a bully, what do you mean kind?" Yongguk jokingly said, to which the rest agreed on.

"That's true." The shortest of the rest, Taehyun, second the motion.

"But honestly speaking, are you fine, already?" The one with ash gray hair, Taedong asked.

"I am. I guess." Yongguk answered, trying to bury the voice he remembers at the back of his head.

_I might just be dreaming._

They, then, caught up with each other's lives, casually laughing out loud because of the time when Hyunbin's (the tallest of them all) eye contacts fell out of his eyes when he tried having an eye contact fight with his friend, Minhyun. They also gave Yongguk a few photos of how his two cats are living fine in their dorm while he was away for quite a while. And of course, they showed Yongguk a blackmail material photo of Sanggyun's naked body, taken at their dorm. That guy just loves taking off his clothes.

"Bye, hyung! We'll try to visit again, soon!" Donghan said.

"Rest well, Yongguk-ah." Sanggyun said, which stirred up something inside Yongguk's mind.

_"Yongguk-ah..." That voice, again._

It was the same lonely, and shaking voice, as if the person was on the verge of crying.

He opened his lips and tried to mention a name. But to no avail, even if it was already at the tip of his tongue, it seemed like a cat got it, instead.

He felt a lump on his throat. He felt his heart ache. His head was throbbing so much, that he didn't hear the opening sound of the room's door.

"Hyung! Are you okay? Does something hurt?" Shihyun asked, with much concern, as soon as he saw Yongguk tightly clenching his fingers on his hair.

Yongguk's pupils were shaking, and his breathing was ragged, as his sight went blurry, and drops of warm liquid stain his cheeks, endlessly.

"Hyung!" Shihyun's eyes widened at the sight of his hyung. "You're crying!"

It was just then that Yongguk turned his gaze to Shihyun, but his figure was blurry, that he saw someone else instead of Shihyun.

Vivid, it was. Yet, it hurt Yongguk for an unknown reason. Even Yongguk himself doesn't know why.

_"Good night, Yongguk-ah..."_

_What was it that I cannot remember?_

_Or rather... who?_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a Sunday morning, and the doctor just closed the door of the room, and Yongguk immediately sank back to his bed, under the blanket, still bothered by things he doesn't even remember.

Yongguk was constantly wriggling under his blanket due to the uncomfortable feeling of having the curiosity but not knowing where to start to fill that curiosity.

The door slid open, the same time Yongguk decided to grumble loudly out of frustration, and Shihyun got surprised at his hyung's action.

"What is it, again, hyung?" Shihyun said, as he settled a plastic bag on top of the table beside Yongguk's bed and took a seat on a stool right next to Yongguk's.

"I don't really know, Shihyun." Yongguk whispered softly that Shihyun didn't hear it.

"The doctor said you can go home after a week." Shihyun said, as he scrolled through his phone, while munching on some chips.

Yongguk discreetly reached for the bag of chips, but Shihyun swatted his hand before it touched the plastic.

So, in the end, Yongguk just bolted out of his bed, and slipped his slippers on.

"Where are you going?" Shihyun followed him with his eyes.

"Walk around." Yongguk replied and slid the door open.

Walking through the familiar corridors of the hospital didn't feel lonely. It felt warm despite the eerie feel of the hospital itself. It was bright enough not to be scared by the illusion of seeing ghosts. It was bright enough to feel comfortable. Maybe it was because Yongguk was used to the air, and atmosphere of what a hospital has, maybe because he was always in the hospital or maybe it was something else. Perhaps, it was something Yongguk still cannot remember.

_"Yongguk-ah!"_

Yongguk turned his head to where he thought the voice came from and found himself staring at a door of an empty patient room, and through the glass of the door, he could see that there were 6 beds inside. His gaze shifted to the wall plaque that displayed the room number, and the names of whoever was occupying the room.

No one was occupying it. Yet, he felt curious.

Just when his fingertips brushed the knob of the door, he felt the need to look at the wall plaque once, again. But that seemed like a bad decision.

There, he saw his name.

_Kim Yongguk // 18._

His head throbbed once, again. His hands started shaking, but he can still endure. He opened the door and felt a sense of familiarity as great as it can ever be, as he scanned through the area.

One foot stepped in, and he can feel his head throbbing even more, his heart beating even faster. He was nervous, but it's something else that makes Yongguk feel things inside. It wasn't fear.

Yet, it was something Yongguk himself cannot describe. Let alone know the reason why he felt so.

Nonetheless, he stepped in his other foot, and he was completely inside the room.

The air changed to somewhat calmer than it was. The sounds even more muted. Silence blew away Yongguk's throbbing and shaking.

He moved forward, step by step, quite unstable but comfortable.

_"Yongguk-ah!"_

He heard the same voice, but livelier, this time.

His heart started beating faster, due to an unknown excitement, and longing, he cannot explain.

"Hey." he trailed off, fully aware that he's talking to no one but just the air. "Who are you?" he continued, not expecting someone to answer him.

He turned around to face the door and decided to just leave the room.

But the moment, he lifted his foot, he remembered something.

_Takada Kenta._

Yongguk's eyes widened at the sudden remembrance of a Japanese name he heard of somewhere. He turned around, once again, and there he remembered.

_"Hi! I'm Takada Kenta. K-E-N-T-A. Ken from Kenkou, Ta from Futoi. Kenta!"_

Yongguk remembered an extended hand wanting to shake hands with his, as this was, perhaps, their first meeting. But still, he cannot remember his face. It was just his hand that he vaguely remembers.

 _"Yongguk. Kim Yongguk."_ He heard himself say, at the scene he remembered.

 

And, along with that, was his hand, shaking the other's.  
  


 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since then, Yongguk cannot get the name Takada Kenta out of his mind.

He knew no Japanese in his personal contacts, and honestly, he doesn't know what to think about Kenta. He feels lighter while thinking about the latter, but he cannot remember any times he had spent with him?

It was as if only the feeling was left, and not a tiny bit of their memory was spared.

Maybe Yongguk was suffering from partial memory loss?

But then, even his friends didn't know who Kenta was.

_What's with you, really?_

"My heart beats faster by the mere thought of his name." Yongguk stared at the ceiling, as he went deep into his thoughts, while his palm lay atop of his chest, still with bandages wrapped around it. Then, he suddenly thought of an idea, and sprang up from his bed, and loudly asked himself, "Did I love this person before?"

He felt his chest ache for quite a short while, so he just stayed still (with eyes shut) for a while, taking deep breaths.

Yongguk started hearing stifled coughs, as the pain diminished, but still felt the need to stay still, as he slowly regains a part of his memory.

_"Are you okay?" Kenta asked, with much worry in his tone._

Yongguk took one last deep breath, and slowly opened his eyes, blinking for a few times before realizing the situation he was remembering.

_"I'm... f-fine." Yongguk replied, trying hard not to cough so hard that it'll worry Kenta, but his expression gave it away for he was in too much pain._

_"You should drink some water." Kenta advised, and went over to the table beside Yongguk's bed, to pour water into a glass. But, as he lifted his arm to hold the pitcher, he just stopped, motionless, speechless._

_Yongguk noticed this, but didn't pry on it further, and just grabbed the pitcher himself, and poured into a glass, then drank it in one go._

_"I'm going to sleep for a while." Yongguk plainly said, as he pulled his blanket over his body, lied his head on the pillow, and closed his eyes, off into dreamland._

_Hence, he did not see Kenta's frustration and despair._

_Kenta_   _immediately wiped the tears that streamed down his pale face, trying hard not to make any sound because Yongguk may wake up anytime._

_"Oh, I forgot." Kenta muttered under his breath, with a bitter smile, and teary eyes._

"What are you doing?"

Yongguk flickered his eyes open, at the sudden voice. He looked up to whom it came from, and saw his friend, Youngmin.

"Trying to remember someone." Yongguk flatly said in nonchalance. No one knows who Kenta is, anyway.

"Kenta?" Youngmin asked, as if he knew the person quite well, which took the other man by surprise.

"You know him?" Yongguk asked back, looking at him in the eye.

The black-haired visitor, wearing an outfit of 3 layers, casually nodded, as he sat down on a stool beside the other's bed.

"You've mentioned him a few times, before." Youngmin started, and Yongguk listened attentively. He rekindled Yongguk's word from before to Yongguk himself with much details, as if it just happened, recently. However, none of these were familiar to the Yongguk, but believes his friend, nonetheless.

"I've never met him, though." Youngmin ended, when the other asked if he had met him. The patient's shoulders slumped down for a bit, at his reply.

"How come no one met him? Or even know him?"

_Should I go or not?_

Yongguk fiddled on the hems of his hospital gown as he asked himself the same question over, and over again, despite his feet already making their own way towards the same room he had went in the last time.

The chilly air enveloped Yongguk's senses, as he smelled the familiar faint fragrance of rubbing alcohol.

He stopped in front of one of the six beds in the room. The middle one, against the left wall of the room.

He remembers. The bed used to be his.

"You're Kenta." He stated, aware he's alone in the room.

_"Your real name is Jin Longguo? You're Chinese?!"_

"I am."

_"But you speak Korean so well, I never would've thought you're Chinese!"_

"I know."

Yongguk sat on the unoccupied bed, and somehow, he felt like he was back at the past. The past that he does not remember. He slipped off his feet from his footwear, and lied down on the bed, lying on one side of his body, facing the bed nearest to the window.

He closed his eyes for a while, calmed his senses, and tried to remember more.  _There's more to this._

He felt some fluttering tickling sensation as soft fingertips carefully play with his hair. He slowly opened his eyes, and as if on cue, he was back to the past.

The moment he blinked, he saw a silhouette of a figure of a curly-haired man, against the radiating sunlight from the window.

He recognized it was Kenta, and as he blinked more, he saw the other's features sharper, and clearer than ever.

Those slight curls covering his forehead, those soft cheeks, and a few piercings on his ear.

Yongguk now remembered how Kenta looked like, and as he scanned his face longer, he felt his heart beat as if it was racing with a car.

"Did I wake you up? Your hair looked soft, I'm sorry, hehe." Kenta apologized, and chuckled, as he retrieved his hand, and Yongguk snapped to his senses at the loss of the ticklish feeling.

He blinked one more time, and there, the image of Kenta vanished into thin air. Yongguk's eyes shook violently as he rose from the bed, and looked around, only to realize that Kenta disappeared with no trace at all.

It was then that his friend, Youngmin's words haunted him, for another time.

_"Maybe Kenta isn't real but is just the result of your desire for comfort, and company. You were quite miserable, back then, Yongguk-ah."_   
  
  


"No. Kenta is real. No. You're wrong. I'm not crazy." Yongguk whispered to himself.


	2. two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ note: I think I must clear this up? Yongguk's present hospital room is a solo one, while the one he used before (the one where he gets flashbacks of Kenta), was a shared room, with a capacity of 6, hence there were 6 beds. ]

  
  
  


 

October 17, 2017

In silence, the room remained. Kenta was just lying on his own bed, contently staring at Yongguk who owns the bed next to him, as he read a book for cats. Because the said Yongguk just loves cats so much.

"It's tomorrow, isn't it?" Kenta broke the silence, but not his stare to his roommate, who still didn't take his eyes off the book.

"Mhm." Yongguk replied shortly, as he turned the book to a new page, and Kenta shifted his position, so he was sitting upright, facing the cat lover.

"Hmm... You're going to live, right?" He asked, out of the blue, and tried to sound casual, but his fingers were fidgeting, and that gave him away.

"What's with you, hyung?" He chuckled. It was then that he put the book down and turned to the elder's eyes. "I hope I will." He continued and gave him the goofy smile which makes the other's heart ache even more. Their eyes stay in contact for about a minute, before Kenta decided to break it, for he was about to waver.

"You will!" He hissed, earning another chuckle from Yongguk., which made him smile, too.

But Yongguk could see through his smile. It wasn't genuine as how it used to be. It was anything but happy. Perhaps, he was afraid, too.

Even Yongguk himself was afraid, and anxious for the worst thing that may come, but thinking about it won't do him any good. So, he just decided to put on a façade of false bravery.

Yongguk stood up from his bed and went over the elder's. He slightly bent down so he could meet Kenta's eyes to a level, and ruffled his hair, softly but enough to mess a few strands. "Don't worry. I'll see you, again, soon." He assured, and went a few steps back to his bed, and sat on it, facing Kenta.

Kenta's smile faltered, his feelings were completely wavering, at that moment. And he could feel his own eyes, stinging to quite an extent.

"Oh?" Kenta unconsciously said, as he felt warm liquid stream down his cheeks, without prior notice. "Ah... I'm crying?" Kenta tried hard to joke about the situation, but it doesn't help either of them. Yongguk sighed, which made Kenta feel even worse. Why was he such a crybaby? But the tears won't stop. It just won't stop, at all, no matter how many times he wipes his tears.

Yongguk stood up and made his way over to him again. He cupped his cheeks, not minding getting his palms wet. He wiped his tears, with his thumb, and looked straight at the elder's eyes. It was then that Kenta realized that Yongguk wasn't as calm as he thought he was. Kenta felt Yongguk's fingers tremble, and the way his eyes looked at him with concern.

Kenta felt his heart beat much faster at the gesture Yongguk did. He found the courage to smile at the younger man, to which the younger returned with a wider one.

"When you get better..." Kenta softly said, trying his best not to crack his voice. "Let's play hide and seek." He trailed off, which made Yongguk raise an eyebrow at him in confusion.

"What?" Yongguk replied, as his mind processed what Kenta wanted. Then, he chuckled at him, as he retrieved his hands, and stood at his normal height. "You're such a child, hyung." He said and backed away to his bed.

Kenta just smiled and said, "I'll hide. You'll seek." With much brightness in his tone.

"Okay." Yongguk answered with ignorance whether Kenta's smile was genuine or not.

It wasn't.

"You have to find me, alright?" Kenta's smile disappeared, but Yongguk just furrowed his eyebrows. Nonetheless, he nodded at his strange request, and lied on his bed.

"Good night, Yongguk-ah." Kenta said, as if it was a real goodbye. As if it was the last. His words were quite slurred, but it doesn't take away the hint of sadness Yongguk felt from Kenta.

"Good night, Kenta hyung." He replied, because he was too sleepy to pry on Kenta's words further.

And maybe... Just maybe, doing so was a big mistake Yongguk didn't know he made.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 30, 2017

"For the meantime, you'll stay in this room. Just press this button, if you need help." The doctor advised Yongguk, who was lying on his back on a hospital bed, with a bandaged head. He slightly nodded to the doctor, and the doctor left the room, shortly after.

The young man felt uncomfortable, as he felt a quite chilly breeze of the air blow, but he was too sleepy to care about it, despite knowing the windows weren't open nor the door. Maybe it was the air conditioner.

Next thing he heard was the yanking of the bed next to his, the one nearest to the window. Yongguk's was in the middle of two beds on the left side of the room.

However, Yongguk shrugged it off. Maybe his head was playing with him, he was hurt, after all. Shortly after, Yongguk slipped into dreamland, before he could realize that, strange enough, he didn't hear the door slide, not even footsteps. Just the yanking of the bed beside his, and soft breathing of someone else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

July 1, 2017

"Hi! I'm Takada Kenta. K-E-N-T-A. Ken from Kenkou, Ta from Futoi. Kenta! And obviously _,_ I'm Japanese!" A man with a cutely arranged teeth, perfectly highlighting his snaggletooth, curly brown locks covering his forehead, and soft-looking cheeks that Yongguk may or may not want to poke depending on his mood. But his mood wasn't particularly good. It was 7 o'clock in the morning, he felt sleepy, but the moment he opened his eyes, he had to be greeted by a cheerful man named Kenta whom he doesn't even want to talk to.

He stared at the Japanese man, blankly as he tried to process what in the world was happening. He didn't know he was sharing the room with someone else, since there was no one when he was wheeled to the room. Kenta just stared right back at him, with an energetic smile, which the other found weird. How could someone smile that wide at 7 o'clock in the morning?

"Yongguk. Kim Yongguk." He finally managed to reply and shook Kenta's extended hand.

"I'm kind of awkward, right? Hehe." Kenta said, and awkwardly chuckled as he retrieved his hand, only to rub the back of his head, ashamed.

 _Soft._ One word Yongguk can describe the man in front of him.

"Has anyone told you that you look like a cat? Because you do look like one." Yongguk blurted out without much thought. Well, he doesn't really have much thought to begin with, anyway. Kenta dropped his arm down, to think for a while about his question. Yongguk can't help but find it weird how this stranger is really thinking about something so trivial. "Dummy. That's something so little, you didn't have to think about it." Yongguk let out his not-so-laugh laugh.

"Huh? Why am I a dummy?" He tilted his head with a frown on his face, which made him look like a kid, and Yongguk definitely wanted to prank him on something, but was too lazy.

"Am I older?" Yongguk changed the topic. "I'm 18."

Kenta snapped back, and grinned at Yongguk as he said, "Oh! I'm older! I'm 19." Of course, Yongguk didn't believe the Japanese man at first, because he looked younger than he was, not to mention his heavily tousled bed hair, which made him look like a kid, and made Yongguk remember the fur of his cats.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

September 13, 2017

To make a nerve-wracking decision, possibly leading to heartbreaking words or exhilarating reversal, is a struggle for Yongguk, who isn't known to be vocal about his feelings. He never once thought about doing something he's currently fumbling for. What if he stutters? What if he gets speechless? What if he ruins everything? What if someone walks through them? What if... What if he rejects him?

Having romantic feelings for someone has never been an experience for Yongguk. He's very shy, when it comes to interacting with people, which greatly resulted to who he is, now. Single, never been confessed to, never confessed, and never been in love. But, perhaps, this day would be the end to some of his "never" and be the start of his "first" and "true". First true love. Sounds dreamy.

He took in a deep breath, as his hand is on top of his uncontrollable heart.

In a garden of flowers of different colors, and fragrances, the flowers didn't matter, yet it eased his thoughts. The great weather didn't matter, yet it calmed him, as the scenery of which the main subject was Kenta himself unfolds, in his eyes.

The way Kenta's hair dances along the direction of the wind, the way the flowers highlight Kenta's figure, the way Kenta is leaning against the railings, the way Kenta's back is strangely comfortable to look at, the way the orange sunlight radiates along Kenta's direction – Everything was perfect. Kenta was perfect, and Yongguk knows it more than Kenta does.

Yongguk coughed, taking Kenta's attention to himself, making him turn around. Yongguk's heart skipped a beat, as soon as he met Kenta's eyes, which later turned to a crescent shape when he smiled.

 _That's unfair, hyung_. Yongguk said in his mind, feeling the unfairness of the way, his heart beats for the elder.

"Hey." Kenta said, after a deafening but comfortable silence.

The wind blew, seemingly carrying away Yongguk's hesitance, doubts, and just everything in general. Yongguk smiled, and said those words he'd been keeping, not minding if he would regret it or not, disregarding everything else.

And, at this time, it was as if only Kenta and Yongguk mattered.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

October 18, 2017

The sun rose, and morning came. Yongguk looked around, and Kenta did not come into his sight. He wasn't in the room. It felt weird, because Yongguk is finally feeling nervous for later, but his roommate is nowhere in sights.

He slipped his slippers on and walked around the corridors of the hospital. He walked to the garden, the lobby, and the cafeteria. He went to every corner of the building, but Kenta was nowhere to be seen.

He sighed, disappointed in not seeing Kenta the first thing in the morning of the day he dreads the most. Just then, the nurse assigned to Yongguk passed through him, and Yongguk called out for her attention.

"Excuse me, have you seen Kenta?" He asked.

"Hm? Kenta?" The nurse seemed confused for a moment, while slightly fumbling with the pen she's holding.

"He's in the same room as mine." He added.

"What do you mean?" The nurse's forehead creased, and her brows furrowed. She was completely confused, but now, she's more confused. "Aren't you the only one in that room?" She added.

Yongguk stared at her with the same look as she has. He was about to say more, but the nurse cut him off, "I'm really sorry, but I need to go." The nurse bowed, and scurried away from him, in just a blink of an eye.

Yongguk doesn't get nervous easily, yet he felt so. He doesn't want to run, yet he did so. And there he was, panting heavily, as he stumbled his way back to his room, with an abnormally ragged breathing, and heartbeat.

His eyes landed on the wall plaque on the wall of the six-bed room.

His shoulders dropped, his eyes blinked in confusion, and he took a step for a clearer view. No. There displayed his name, Kim Yongguk. But Kenta's wasn't there. He stood there, unable to process everything. Where was he? Why was his name not there, anymore?

"Kim Yongguk-ssi?" A female voice called out to him. He turned to her, and saw a nurse in blue scrubs, holding a clipboard on her left hand. He just stared at her, blankly. "It's almost time for your surgery, please stay in your room, as we finish preparations." She continued and left.

And, it was then that Yongguk was unknowingly stuck into a game of hide and seek, seeking for him who used to laugh at the tiniest things, for him who always bothered him for nonsensical things, and for him whom he dearly loved with utmost sincerity, and wholeheartedly – something he'd never done to anyone else before.

_Where are you?_

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ comments are highly appreciated! ]


	3. three

Sometimes, Yongguk just gets surprised every time Kenta asks him things, for they were mostly at the most random and unexpected moments. He’d normally laugh at the dummy level questions, but will cry his heart out, at the deepest questions Kenta have asked. And this one, was somewhere in between, that Yongguk did not feel like crying.

 

"Why are you here?" Kenta asked out of nowhere, while his toes fidget with each other, pertaining as to why Yongguk was staying in this hospital. 

 

Yongguk turned a page of the book he was reading, when the question was asked to him. He answered, "Because I'm sick. A lot." He chuckled, even if nothing was funny. He smiled, even if nothing was worth smiling for. "How about you?" The Chinese asked in return. 

 

Kenta hummed a monotone "Hmm...", and let silence take over for a while. But he shrugged, and said "I'm sick, too? A lot more than you." 

 

Maybe they feared disclosing what their chances of living are, for it would either make them hope or pity. After all, they've gotten closer, for the time being, and they both can't deny the attachment they've built from each other. 

 

But Yongguk, for some reason, had the courage to open up. 

 

"Hmm... I may not live that long, actually." He chuckled, again, more lifeless than ever. Kenta turned his head to the other’s direction, and on his lips, were a bitter smile. Because, he, too, may not live that long. 

 

“We’re the same, then.” Kenta replied, and scrunched his nose, making a goofy face. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Yongguk-ah! Let’s go to the garden! Garden!!!” Kenta exclaimed on the top of his lungs which woke the hell out of Yongguk who was in a deep slumber earlier.

 

Yongguk’s eyes shot open with frustration, and he was greeted by a jumping Kenta who was all around the room.

 

_How is he so energetic early in the morning?_  Yongguk groaned in his mind, as he caught a glimpse of the time. 7:30am.

 

“What garden?” Yongguk asked, unaware of the fact that the hospital just opened their garden which was renovated for quite some time.

 

Kenta just smiled at him in the most mischievous way, which Yongguk did not fail to be mesmerized in an odd way. The elder stretched one arm in front of Yongguk, to which the other just stared at, unable to process what was happening. 

 

“Give me your hand.” Kenta says, quite excitedly. The younger just lightly placed his hand to the elder’s, and the next thing he knows, he was being dragged out of the room to probably the garden, at a ridiculously fast pace. 

 

Suddenly, Yongguk realized something. 

 

"Why didn't we use the elevator, though?" He asked the elder, who was still holding his hand tightly, as his free hand clutches on the fabric just above his chest while panting raggedly after running through 2 floors using the stairs.

 

Kenta looked at the other like the idea of using the elevator never crossed his mind, and his eyes later widened with the younger's realization.

 

"Oh? Why didn't I think of that?" Kenta asked himself, which made Yongguk slap him in his mind. "But, it's more exciting to take the stairs, hehe." Kenta said, and smiled, showing his snaggletooth.

 

Kenta dragged him, through the hallway, because the garden was on the other side of the wing they are in. And once, again, Yongguk asks Kenta (but only in his mind)  _Why didn't we take the other stairs, then?_

 

As they covered more footsteps, Yongguk found it hard to breathe. Maybe he was exhausted from running a lot, or maybe it was because Kenta was holding his hand like it was the most natural thing to do?

 

_Did I forget to drink medicine, last night?_  Yongguk mentally cursed at the sudden thought of going straight to sleep after Shihyun left, and forgetting to drink his medicine, which resulted to him having difficulties at that moment.

 

"Hyu...ng..." Yongguk breathlessly, almost no sound came out, called out to the elder. He tried pulling Kenta to stop, but he was in too much pain for him to even tighten their hold. His eyelids are becoming heavy, but he caught a glimpse of somewhat an opened door of a patient's room. The room had a clear glass window, so he could see through what was inside. And all of a sudden, it was as if time slowed down.

 

What... What was that? The figure of a man lying on a bed, and beside the bed was a life-support machine. And somehow, it looked like the man who is currently holding his hand.

 

Yes, he was in too much pain, and he might not have the best of his mind state at that time but, no, he was sure he wasn't seeing things. That. That was Kenta, lying on the bed, lifeless, and skinnier.

 

Yongguk tripped on his own feet, as he slowly lost consciousness due to difficulty in breathing, which halted Kenta's movements. Kenta looked back, and his eyes widened in shock as he saw Yongguk.

 

"Yongguk-ah! What's wrong? Yongguk-ah!" He shook the younger man, as he tightly held his shoulders, but Yongguk was not answering him. 

 

"I'll get help. Get a grip of yourself, Yongguk-ah!" Kenta said, and ran off, to where they came from, calling for help.

 

Yongguk, on the other hand, was drifting into unconsciousness, as he pants quickly to breathe air despite the difficulty in doing so. His eyes recklessly wandered around, although it is unknown whether he was able to process whatever he saw.

 

His eyes, although blurry, landed on the wall plaque of the room.

 

_Takada Ken--_

 

Yongguk completely lost consciousness, and his head fell against the cold surface of the white tiles of the quiet hallway.

 

But somehow, his auditory senses did not fail to hear the constant noise of a heart rate monitor, signifying loss of heartbeat of the person being monitored.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

October 23, 2017

 

"Maybe Kenta isn't real but is just the result of your desire for comfort, and company. You were quite miserable, back then, Yongguk-ah." Youngmin said, in hopes to convince Yongguk out of his delusions about the so-called Kenta. But it just confused Yongguk more than clear anything up.

 

"Miserable?" Yongguk asked, with brows furrowed.

 

"You always talk to yourself, and wander around by yourself. The nurses back then thought you were crazy. There was one time when you were just seen lying on the floor, two floors above your previous room. And the moment you woke up, you asked about that Kenta to me." Youngmin answered.

 

The only thing Yongguk managed to reply back to his older friend was just "Huh?" And a frustrated frown, for he cannot remember anything Youngmin has told him.

 

"Look, Yongguk-ah, how about you just forget whatever it is. You can't remember it, anyway." The elder continued, and finished off with a sigh.

 

With that, Yongguk did not know how to respond. He didn't know what to do, he was drowning with confusing thoughts. Who was Kenta? How did he act, back then? What was he like, before? Is he... Crazy?

 

"Can you leave me alone, hyung? I'm sorry... It's just..." He didn't know how to describe what he's feeling, nor can he decide on what to believe. Youngmin wouldn't lie to him, but he, himself, is refusing to let go of the memories of Kenta, despite the absence of a large portion of these memories.

 

Youngmin left him, and there Yongguk exhaled so loud, as if he was trying to empty himself out.

 

There was too much going on his head, yet he was just staring blankly onto the wall across him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

4 days left, and Yongguk will, soon, be discharged. And here came Youngmin, once again, silently peeling an apple for Yongguk who was busy reading another book for cats, because he greatly misses two of his cats.

 

Youngmin, although still worried, didn't bring up anything about Kenta, anymore. And Yongguk never mentioned Kenta either. After a while, Yongguk got fed up of just staying in his room, because it’s just almost all white, and dull. Youngmin, who caught this, spoke up, “Have you gone to the garden?” Although he didn’t know where the garden was, he just asked, in hopes that Yongguk might want to consider going there for some fresh air. 

 

Yongguk absentmindedly shook his head, his hair going sideways along his response. So, Youngmin offered to accompany him to the garden. Yongguk slowly slipped off his bed, and took a sit onto the wheelchair Youngmin arranged for him. Yongguk, after all, cannot exhaust himself from physical activities. 

 

Youngmin wheeled him, out of his room, but stopped, ad said, “I honestly don’t know where it is, though. Do you?” 

 

Yongguk, although wondering how he knew the answer, replied, “Two floors above, on the opposite wing.” Youngmin uttered a soft, “Mhm”, and continued wheeling him into the nearest elevator. 

 

They arrived there, not long after, but Yongguk, as usual, was drowned in his own thoughts which are about Kenta, obviously. 

 

The flowers’ scents greeted them, as they passed through the doorway, and the man on the wheelchair knew this feeling was familiar. It somehow reminds him of Kenta, and now, he can’t keep his smile suppressed, because this time, he was sure. That Kenta is someone he met not long ago, yet he had feelings for him, dear enough to be remembered by the heart even if the mind doesn’t. 

 

“You’re thinking of him, aren’t you?” The elder teased, as he felt Yongguk reminiscing. The other just nodded his head, and closed his eyes. 

 

“I’m sorry, but I believe in him. And, I’m going to find him, no matter how, where, and how long it will take.” He confessed, making the elder sigh, and ruffle his hair. Yongguk looked up to him, and saw him smiling, as if he expected it, and that he understood his reasons. 

 

“Don’t come crying to me, if you realize I’m right.” He scoffed, and let go of his hold on the wheelchair. He left Yongguk to be alone, and think some more, but he didn’t go anywhere far just in case, an emergency came up. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Unexpected questions in an unexpected place, under an unexpectedly great weather, are the worst, Yongguk thinks. He had expected a dumb question, and then he’ll play along Kenta’s childishness by answering nonsensical things. But, he was taken aback by the question Kenta had come up with.

 

“Aren’t you scared of dying?” Kenta asked, as he sat on one of the circular concrete seat walls that enclosed plants inside the circle, while staring at the full blue skies filled with cotton-like clouds scattered everywhere, though, the sun was out of sight because it was too early for the sun to shine directly above them. 

 

It doesn't take much for Kenta to notice that Yongguk is flustered at the question, because he had caught him staring, with a hanging jaw. The Japanese man can't help but laugh, the moment he saw the other. And the sound of his laughter brought back Yongguk to his senses. 

 

He looked up at the same sky Kenta was staring at, earlier, and thought of an answer, as he let himself indulge the soft tune of Kenta's hum. 

 

Sure, he may be dying, but he hasn't really thought of it much, because he's not the type to do so. He's just someone who takes what comes. But, it wouldn't hurt to think about this now, right? 

 

He took a deep breath, and looked Kenta in the eye. The other did the same. He smiled to the Japanese man, and spoke. 

 

"I've never been scared of death." He said, and Kenta just listened. "But, I am afraid of being forgotten because I know after some time, everyone will forget me. What I am, who I am, they'll all forget." He chuckled, while Kenta just stared at him. 

 

"People forget even if the person is there, what more is he or she's no longer there?" He stopped, trying to hold back his voice from cracking up, and stifle his tears from flowing out. His sight became blurry, and he was unsure if Kenta knew he was on the verge of crying, but he continued. "Even you, perhaps. You'll forget me, too. And, I don't want that." He stopped, again, and Kenta just listened. 

 

"Selfish, right?" He ended, and a tear fell from his right eye. It hurt him to think that everyone he loves, as a family or romantically, might forget the little things they've done, together. It hurt him to think that those memories might not hold a special place in their hearts in minds,  

 

"Strangely sentimental, aren't you?" Kenta teases, although, his eyes are also filled with tears. Yongguk chuckles, one that is lifeless, yet amused at himself for being able to chuckle, because after all, Yongguk knows in himself that he's the most sentimental, compared to the people he met in his entire life. 

 

"If it isn't true, then why are you crying?" Yongguk asked, the tears in his eyes had long been gone. 

 

But no, Kenta wasn't crying about being forgotten. He did not want to think about that, because he knows that, at the very least, his family won't forget him, and of course, Yongguk will remember, too. He cried because he couldn't promise Yongguk, anything. No matter how loud his inner voice has been shouting  _"I won't forget you."_ but his lips decided to betray, and seal itself on its own.

 

No matter how Yongguk prayed in his mind, although not that religious, that Kenta says the opposite of what he expects, Kenta didn't. Kenta just cried. 

 

Because after all, Kenta's dead, and it would just hurt to promise something he cannot fulfill. 

 

 


	4. four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do check out @jbjficfest in twitter or here in ao3, if you're interested to join a jbj fic fest since we think that the jbj tag is so dry :( I hope we would have a lot of sign ups so please do check it out!

In Kenta's vocabulary, "Lie" was a word he had been constantly crossing of in his mind. He hated lying so much. He had always believed that the truth should be told to the people involved. Lying destroys trust, an essential thing Kenta valued so much, no matter how much people told him to trust them yet, resulting to the undesired results of broken promises or failures.

 

_"Trust me, Kenta. You'll get better."_  That was what the people around him always said to him, as he breathed through a respiratory equipment, staring at them, looking quite lifeless and pitiful.

 

_"Just hang in there, for a little more, okay?"_  They said, as they held his hand, to which Kenta barely sensed, anymore.

 

They kept repeating those words, but Kenta got no better. His health was deteriorating day by day, which soon, led to a sleep no one had wished for, but Kenta. Kenta knew he himself wanted to give up. How much longer was he going to endure? How much longer was he going to feel the pain? How much longer was he going to fight back?

 

_Please just tell me the truth. I'm not getting any better. Please stop._ He wished, because those lies were just a cover up for what was his real condition. And, until the end, he hated lies for keeping the painless life he was silently calling for, away from him.

 

But not until a Chinese man with foxlike eyes, staring with a blank expression, came into his life.

 

_I'm not lying_. He convinced himself. True enough, he wasn't deceiving the younger male with lies, but he was keeping him out in the dark. He was keeping him out of the truth.

 

That man Yongguk saw when he fainted? That. That was Kenta. The Kenta he couldn't talk about. The Kenta he couldn't even live, anymore.

 

_Kenta woke up, the temperature seemingly matching to his liking -- just how his body can manage, unlike the usual temperature that nearly froze him to death, every day._

 

_Oh? But strange enough, he could wiggle his toes without much effort, lift his gaze with ease, and take in deep breaths stably._

 

_The crushing pain from the day before, was no longer in his senses. It was as if he had really gotten better. Maybe those assurances of him getting better were true, in the end._

 

_He felt lighter, and his eyelids did not feel heavy. Moreover, he felt strong -- strong enough to get out of that bed he had been occupying for too long that Kenta himself doesn't remember how long anymore._

 

_He felt an overwhelming strength that actually let him get out of his bed and stand on his feet._

 

_Kenta heard the door rustle and turned towards the direction of the door._

 

_He saw the usual nurse who regularly checked up on him, and greeted her with a smile, although amused at the fact that he has the energy to form a smile._

 

_But something was wrong. The nurse didn't pay him a look. She just went straight to the heart rate monitor. And there, Kenta saw himself - lying on the bed with his eyes closed._

_What was happening? Was he dead? But he can't possibly be dead, or the monitor should've went off._

 

_Amidst all of this confusion, there stood his family, faces of despair and misery as tears stream down their cheeks but not wanting to go near Kenta's bed._

 

_Soon, Kenta just found himself watching the Kenta on the bed get wheeled away from the room of 6 patient-capacity he had grown accustomed to._

 

Was it sometime around May? Honestly, Kenta doesn't remember anymore since when he fell under comatose, but all he knew was that he was living his life out of his physical body since then. And, although he has a lot of things he cannot do, he was fine. Because finally, he truly felt better. Maybe it would be just temporary, but Kenta did not care. He was free.

 

In a span of a month, he learned that no one can see him. He cannot go beyond the hospital entrances/exits nor can he touch things, except if that thing touches him first. Yet, he can slide doors using his feet, lean on things like the wall, and lie on his bed.

 

A month, and all of these still felt surreal to him, why and how did he even get to this situation? All he remembers was that he wished. He wished to stop all the pain, yet not wanting to leave this world. Because no matter how much deeper he drowns in this pool of pain, he did not want to leave the world he lived in.

 

Ever since he was declared comatose, his physical body was transferred two floors above his previous room and was now occupying a solo room. But somehow, he still went back to his previous room. How many months did he spend here? Or was it years?

 

But maybe, it was a good choice, because he met Yongguk, in the end.

 

* * *

 

 

At times, Kenta was on the receiving end of the unexpected questions, while Yongguk was the one questioning. And Kenta won't deny that when Yongguk asks something, it's a matter of confirmation, not an actual question which means, he has no way in avoiding it.

 

"You dragged me there, on purpose, right?" Yongguk suddenly brought up. Kenta just furrowed his eyebrows, not wanting to say anything, in case he lies.

 

"Where?" Kenta cautiously asked back to the Chinese.

 

"Who are you? What are you?" The other asked, again. He can see through Kenta's wavering eyes, and he would be lying if he didn't feel guilty for asking. They were fine, after all. Everything was fine, if he just pretended that he hasn't been doubting Kenta since that day. Since the day he fainted right in front of the room of someone whose surname is Takada, too.

 

Kenta fell silent. _What do I do?_

 

Yongguk sighed, this was going nowhere. He smiled, and looked at Kenta, eyes soft, and loving, that tells the other _I'm here for you, trust me._ Because he really was there, for the older male. There's no way he would leave him hanging in the air. _"_ Tell me, will you?" he pleaded, piercing right through the other's sparkling yet nervous eyes.

 

* * *

 

October 11 2017

 

Life is unfair. But somehow, Kenta has learned to be selfless along the run.

 

To someone, this day might've been the worst day ever, but to someone else, this was a day that gave a new light of hope in one's life. While you are mourning for your loss, there will be people who are crying tears of relief and joy for the blessings they were given to.

 

It has been quite a while ever since Kenta felt cold, even if the air conditioner was set to the regular temperature. He has been feeling weird, recently. He felt emptier as days pass by, with him just wandering endlessly in this hospital building that was like his second home, but still felt unusually lonely.

 

It was as if he had lost a part of him.

 

Kenta knew he'd be better off without listening to what the doctor was about to say to his parents, but who cares? It's not like they know he was listening, anyway. Besides, he'd rather learn about it himself than hear the sugarcoated words they're going to whisper to him. He didn't want to see the tears in their eyes, as they lie that he'd get better.

 

Kenta snapped back to reality, as he heard a sniffle from his mother. He was standing right behind them, but he didn't realize that he was preoccupied with something else, and mentally slapped himself for not paying attention.

 

* * *

 

 

While Kenta was going through, perhaps, the worst of the worst he could ever go, Yongguk was just inside his room, reading a book, silently waiting for someone to barge into his room. And of course, someone did. It was a day of blessing for Yongguk, after all.

 

"Yongguk-ah!"

 

Yongguk lifted his gaze from the book he was reading, to the man standing by the door, with one hand grabbing his knee as he panted quickly from too much running, and excitement.

 

It was Youngmin, now with a hair color of a shade of something that looks like orange or brown. He was smiling from ear to ear, despite the loss of proper breathing. The man on the bed just looked at him, blankly yet, questioning. Why did his friend run all the way here, anyway?

 

"What's the matter?" Yongguk asked him, with a chuckle.

 

Youngmin huffed and jumped his way to the younger's bed, and with a smile, he brought an unexpected news to Yongguk, unconscious about the fact that someone else was in the middle of suffering from different emotions.

 

~~~~

 

How does one pinpoint what they are feeling when emotions can be vague? At this point, Kenta honestly did not know what to do nor what to feel.

 

His wish has been granted.

 

He was supposed to be happy. He was supposed to be relieved. He was supposed to be anything except sad. But why do tears keep on falling from his eyes? Why does his heart ache so much? Why do his hands tremble? Why can't he process anything?

 

What was his wish again? Oh. Right. To end all his pain.

 

And so, his pain did go away. The physical one, yes, but the emotional pain was still there, and perhaps, it will continue to stay inside of him.

 

His mother was weeping because his son has gone beyond the point where he can no longer wake up no matter how long they wait nor try. His father had his arms wrapped around his mother from beside her. And by the sight of it, Kenta knew he wanted his wish to be retracted. He wanted to live more. He wanted to listen to those lies for false hope. He wanted to see Yongguk with his real self. He wanted to wake up. He wanted to live.

 

The doctor informed them of Kenta's progress of which, in this case, has been for the worse. Or worst.

 

He was beyond saving. He wasn't literally dead, but medically dead.

 

Kenta had come from being in comatose to being brain dead. It was irreversible, and his brain has stopped functioning, yet his heart is still beating with the help of a machine.

 

Staying in that room was hell for all of them, but it was inevitable. And eventually, they had to talk about what they'd like to do with Kenta.

 

Around a week from then, everything would come to an end. A week from then, there'd be no Kenta in everyone's life. A week from then, Kenta would no longer be there, wandering around the hallways, or just being adorable in his own way.

 

October 18, 2017.

 

D-Day. A goodbye for Kenta, and a new chance for Yongguk. An inescapable end for one, and a hopeful start for the other.

 

And at this time, despite Kenta's world crashing into millions of pieces, being the selfless of a person he was, he just wished for Yongguk to not forget him, ever. He won't, right?

 

_"If you go before me, then I can promise you that I won't forget you. Even if you can't promise me anything. Whatever lies in store in our future, even if only one of us will remain, in the end. Even if you leave me behind. No matter what, or how long, I'll always think of you." The younger male assured, as he shot a concerned look to the older male who has been crying continuously for a few minutes. Yongguk grew worried because it looked like Kenta wasn't going to stop crying anytime, soon._

 

_Kenta tried speaking, but all Yongguk heard was gibberish words in which he can't formulate anything with._

 

_The Chinese man chuckled at the sight of Kenta looking like a kid, wiping his tears._

 

_"And if it happens that the odds would be against me, and I forget a part or the whole of you, then I would try. I will always try to remember. Can you, at least, not forget about that?" Yongguk added, earning rushed nods from the crying older male._

 

_"Always remember, that I'm here, and you have the whole of my heart. I have no means of getting it back, nor do I want to. But it's fine. It's you, after all." Yongguk concluded, and engulfed the older in a hug, to which Kenta returned with a bone-crushing one and buried his face against Yongguk's neck._

  
  
  
  
•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•  
  
  


_"I'll hide. You'll seek."_

_"Okay."_

_"You have to find me, alright?"_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested to join the jbj fic fest, i'd be glad to help you in any way i can. 
> 
> twitter: @jbjficfest / @lattaedong  
> cc: @jbjficfest  
> ao3: @jbjficfest ( we also posted about the fic fest in ao3 so if you have questions, feel free to comment! )


	5. not an update.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> um.

hi i just logged in back to my ao3 acct and now i remember this fic i never got to finish. if anyone (lmao i think there's none) read this and wanted updates, um do i still continue this? i won't delete this yet, since i don't keep a copy of my stuff somewhere else. but yeah, it's been discontinued unless someone wants me to continue this. but if none, i'll delete this if i had fully decided to do so. i'm sorry :<


	6. Chapter 6

I was already working on this, but shit happened. I'm so disappointed with yongguk rn but I wish he'd learn from his mistakes and be a better person. It just hurts? Yongguk's the person who made me realize what my dream is, he's the reason I've got through the saddest moments in my life, but idek what's real anymore? I still love him, but I hope he'll learn from this. I just don't want to write this, with him as the character, anymore. I'll be writing this as a nct dream fic, instead. 

 

I don't hate him, I'm just disappointed. I hope he's fine, or will be fine. I hope his mentality is fine, and idk. I just hope he's got someone to rely on, too. Thank you and I'm sorry.

 

I won't delete this, yet until I've published it as nct dream fic


End file.
